What are the greatest challenges of being creative? Is there just one?
I know for a fact that I had to go through a whole bunch of hurdles growing up as an artist.
A healthy self-esteem and totally believing in one's gift are both critical for any artist, or any person for that matter. On the other hand, a distorted self-esteem and always second-guessing yourself leads you to feel perplexed on how to manage, nourish, and move forward with these gifts. I felt that way for the longest time, especially as a child, and even as a young adult. I always questioned my gift, constantly compared myself with others, and instead of looking within for self-validation, I looked outside for comments and feedback, which I rarely got back then. As a child, I felt like I had this amazing gift that no one really cared about. In my young mind, no one found my work beautiful or inspiring. I waited for encouragement, or at least constructive criticism, but the silence just killed it for me. It's as if my masterpiece didn't mean anything to anyone but me, and so what's the point of sharing my art? So, I plummeted down in an awkward world of self-doubt and paralysis.
There's a wide array of hurdles that most artists usually feel - blockages in the creation process, where no matter what you do as an artist, you feel stumped as if you hit a wall and there's no room for you to maneuver, and you just can't get anywhere. I've had this blockage when I was in college, studying arts with budding, talented artists. I never understood why I couldn't think of an original work when asked to create something while I witnessed my classmates glow with excitement as they drafted their ideas on paper. It was frustrating and embarrassing for me because I had to look around for references and ideas from others and tweak them to make them my own, when all I really wanted was to unleash what little creative genius I knew I was capable of; I was just unsure of how to get it all out .
The lack of direction for myself and my career was another hurdle I had experienced for years. I didn't have any mentors growing up and even when I went to college, I never built a rapport with my art professors. The truth is, when I was in college, I had a lot of admirers, both students and faculty. I was someone you could call a teacher's pet back then. I remember some of my classmates would ask me to ask the professor to cut our hours short or to lessen the homework because they claim that if I asked, the male teachers usually let me get away with it. I had teachers who would corner me to talk to me, or one who would pull me out of class so I can be used as a portrait model while the other students practiced their paintings; another teacher offered me a job right after I graduate. Those experiences in college ended up as a double-edged sword for me because it boosted my self-esteem in a way, knowing that I was popular and I was admired by many, but the other part of me questioned what it was that they admired about me. Was it really my talents or just my outer beauty?
It was difficult for me to embrace my artistic gifts back then because it felt like it wasn't really the gift that they admired. In fact, when I had my thesis - I was so thrilled I aced it! When asked by my classmates how I did, I saw a few of them whisper as if questioning my grade. I heard someone commenting that it didn't come as a surprise, after all I was the teacher's pet! Having witnessed that first hand made me doubt my gift all the more because it came across as a confirmation that I really didn't deserve the grade that was given to me. College was tricky because I had all the possible mentors right within my reach, but I had built a wall against my professors and never truly resonated with any of them. How I wish I had at least trusted one professor, but that was not the case. The lack of direction for me didn't even bother me at the time. It isn't until now that I reflect back that I realize I could have used an authentic mentor to walk me through my creative path.
As I grew older, I realized that the fear that I carried with me all these years stemmed down from all my past experiences, beliefs, and mindset. The fear of being rejected or neglected by others, especially from someone I trust and cared about has definitely left an impact on me. When your so-called masterpiece is totally neglected and not appreciated, it can hurt anyone's ego. It is obviously painful when you put your heart and soul into something you created, only to be rejected and put down by others.
From there, the fear of failure is born. I simply feared investing my energy, time, and resources over something that in my mind was not going to thrive or be successful anyway. "What's the point?" I'd ask myself. So, instead of facing my fears, I ended up sabotaging my dreams by remaining paralyzed in inaction.
Mindset is another factor that can either make you or break you, not just with artists but with each and every human standing in the face of the world. I realized that I failed to adapt to new situations, and I failed to trust others by building a wall because of my closed mindset. But when you think about it, how could I possibly trust others when I didn't even trust myself? Again, it was that negative mindset that held me back from my fullest potential.
At first, I feared that I have wasted two decades of my life when I stopped painting altogether. But now I realize that I needed those years to grow up and develop the amount of wisdom I needed to change my perception about myself and how the world works. I believe that time was not truly wasted as I had to live my life so that I can gain all the experiences and lessons that I carry now with me. Now I finally get it! The world is ever-changing and unless I learn to adapt and go with the flow, it could be a turbulent ride for me; and when I resist what my soul calls for, I am making my life utterly miserable.
My evolution as an artist is a slow and steady progress, but I can't complain because it has brought me to where I am today. I needed to acknowledge everything that I went through and go through the painful process of healing and accepting all my flaws, shortcomings, and mistakes.
More importantly, I am here to share what challenges I had to face growing up as an artist. It is my hope that people who read this would take away something of value from this, especially if they can totally relate with my experiences.
Be mindful of your mindset and your fears. Remember that we are all interconnected and we all have an impact on others, especially with young children. Be open to the idea that your presence, appreciation, and encouragement are actually building a child's self-esteem and helping them embrace their gifts to the fullest.
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