How much physical, emotional, psychological and mental pain can we take for our children? Others might think of that question as utterly absurd, but for parents of most autistic children, that question is something they may have asked themselves already.
The lack of communication and expressive skills adds up to the many frustrations that children in the Autism Spectrum Disorder experience. Some may have sensory perception issues and other medical issues that go with their triggers, while most of them cannot regulate their own emotions. Whether they are overly excited or extremely upset, sometimes they act the same way - with total impulsive aggressions.
Some kids throw things, some hit themselves, or hit others. Some pull hair, dig their nails on the care giver's skin, or pinch with all their might. Some will push others to get out of their way, or pull others and use them to as a punching bag to release their anger. Other might attempt to bite, while others will just spit at you as if they're totally disgusted with you! The type of aggression really depends on the child, and sometimes, it's a combination of one, two or more aggressive behaviors that need to be addressed and corrected. And the hard decision of figuring out the most dangerous behavior that needed to be corrected first should be prioritized. For the caregivers to make that call can be totally overwhelming, because in reality, we want to eliminate all the negative and aggressive behaviors.
Thank goodness, I do not personally experience my son's aggression on a daily basis. And if I do, it usually doesn't take too long, it could be 2 minutes, 5 minutes…it really depends. But when we are in the heat of the moment, those 2-5 minutes feel like hours!
Sometimes, I can sense when the frustrations build up, and other times, it's out of the blue, and just like a switch, he could lash at you! And that scares me the most because that's when I am often caught off guard.
Usually I am pretty quick to bounce back up and do some post intervention. When my son has calmed down:
I show him the "owies" that he has just given me.
I tell him how I feel, that it makes me sad when he hurts me.
I remind him how strong he is, and how little I am compared to him, and that he can easily hurt me.
I tell him that I am not angry, that I do understand that he is still learning to control his emotions and that he will get better at controlling his impulsive behaviors.
I tell him that I'm here to help, but I cannot help him if he is rough and screaming. I remind him to use his (limited) words or show me on his ipad what he needs.
I repeatedly remind him how much I love him.
I tell him that I want to keep taking care of him, so he needs to take care of me, too, by not hurting me.
I learned that by talking to my child after each episode, the next aggression gets less intense, and shorter.
When my son digs his nails into my skin, I instinctively make a sad face and say "owie", and he slowly lets go. He checks my eyes for tears, and when he sees me in tears, he says "crying" and "sorry" right away, so I believe he knows the consequences of his actions. He makes mommy cry and sad, and he is slowly getting it.
At times, he would let go, and then test me again by digging his nails deeper or pinching my skin, waiting for my reaction. And so I breathe, and repeat the important steps or lessons that I have learned in this battle:
To stay calm and composed as much as possible, despite all his screaming and aggression. I may be physically hurting, but when I calmly tell my son he's hurting me, he calms down and more often than not, he lets go. (This is a hard strategy to follow because deep down inside you would want to scream and defend yourself)
To never add fuel to his fire! I had made that painful mistake of screaming out loud, as I was in excruciating pain when he pulled my hair and dug his nails into my scalp. And because of my reaction, he probably thought I was fighting back, and so the angrier he became, and more damage was done.
To make sure there's space between us as we try different strategies while the frustration is escalating: I let him cry it out. I give him a pillow to punch or a stress ball to use. I let him bury himself underneath a thick comforter and let him cry to his heart's content.
To ignore - depending on the situation. As long as he is not hurting himself and he is on his own, I ignore him when I notice that his cries get louder when I dote on him, it means he only wants attention. When he stops crying, that's when I give him my full undivided attention. (This works like a miracle when your child starts to get it, and understands that he/she needs to calm down first before you give them your attention.)
To absorb what just happened, and to breathe, and breathe some more.
To not feel guilty if I need to cry. At first, I didn't want my son to see me cry because he might think he's got the power and that mommy is weak. But then, I realized that by showing him how hurtful he can be, he realizes the impact of his aggression, which eventually led to acknowledging both of our emotions, that he was mad and I was sad. It was a wonderful surprise the day he showed guilt or remorse by touching my tears and saying "sorry".
To tap out if you have another care giver who could help you. (This is a tough one if you are on your own simply because you have no choice but to breathe harder and power through!)
To figure out his triggers by journaling or taking data, finding patterns and situations to help de-escalate situations the next time around.
To communicate with other care givers like grandparents, teachers or caregivers - making sure you are on the same page as far as your child's behavioral plan is concerned.
To honor his request, his very limited voice. When he expresses what he wants and says "all done" to the lessons, I have learned to acknowledge and cut the lesson short, but I make sure he knows that he will have to finish the task in a while. And as the adult, I have to keep my word and follow through.
To give clear expectations, and to remind him that learning is important. We use visual and verbal prompts, schedules and rewards to help him stay on task.
To offer belly breathing exercises together when he is calm, and to reinforce this before his frustration escalates to full blown anger.
To distract his attention from his frustration.
To move and exercise daily, not just for good health but to get both positive and negative energies constantly flowing.
To regularly review the different emotions and to use the Mood Meter so he knows how to acknowledge how he feels.
To celebrate his good behaviors, especially when he has a calm and safe body and he is following directions, when he is being a good worker, and being friendly to people around him. I give him my full undivided love and attention. We sing and play together and I remind him of his amazing behavior. (Super important!)
I realize that tougher days must happen so my child gets to practice how to be better at regulating his emotions, how to communicate what he wants and to learn to read how mommy feels when he becomes aggressive. After all, learning does not take overnight, it takes repetition to master any skill, not just for him but also for me, as the care giver, as well. In fact, all the strategies I've listed above are all lessons learned in the many, scattered episodes we've dealt with together in the past years.
The havoc of an ugly, aggressive meltdown from any child takes a toll mostly on the parents or caregivers. The fact that we are the adults, and we should know our children inside and out, the expectation is that we should be in control. And if we can't control our children there's also a fear of judgment from the society, especially when the child misbehaves and show aggression outside of the home.
When aggressions are beyond our control, the feelings of helplessness and defeat often kick in. The overwhelming emotions of fear for our own safety, or for our very own children, and the motivation to find a way to help our children win their battle against themselves would surely wrangle in our hearts and our minds.
Forcing ourselves to get away from the victim mentality, and trying to think, and think some more- how else can we help our children? How else can we stretch our patience? What else can we possibly do?
May that little voice in our souls remind us that we are coping and doing the best way we know how at a given scenario. Perhaps we need to be humbled and accept when our best is not good enough, that we may need to reach out for external help from experts. We may need to connect with our doctors and even consider medication, if we strongly feel that it would benefit our children.
Remember that all children in the spectrum are different, and all parents and caregivers are different. We all have our own belief systems, our own resources and support groups. So, perhaps it is a trial and error strategy that we must all face in the beginning in order to find out which path to navigate.
However, it is vital to remember that in order for us to take care of our children, we must take care of ourselves first. We might not get to it right after the episode, but as soon as possible we should:
Find some respite, and allow ourselves to breathe.
Express our own frustrations, sadness or even anger in a healthy, positive way.
Perhaps take a walk alone or with a friend.
Take a long shower or soak in a nice, warm bubblebath.
Do yoga or meditate.
Drive around the neighborhood to get some air, clear your head or just to be alone.
Find your bliss. Whatever brings you joy - mine is painting, writing and exercise!
Get your energies flowing. Kickboxing, running and dancing are quite therapeutic.
As adults, parents, grandparents, teachers, caregivers - we must heal our defeated hearts, our bruised skins and scarred egos. Let us try our best not to stay stuck with the negative aftermath of our children's aggressions or meltdowns.
We must find a way to stand back up, not to fight our children, but fight alongside our children. We already know that this battle is a life long fight, and so we need to find healthy strategies to cope with this very difficult challenge.
Our children are warriors for battling autism, and so we too must be warrior parents and caregivers, fighting alongside our kiddos so they can at least have a better chance in this world. And because we love our children with all our hearts and souls, we have no other option but to be warriors ourselves, be resilient, creative, and patient in bringing out the best in our children.
And just like the art above, the Crashing Waves, is symbolic of how life can hit us hard at times, and yet the immense pressure ebbs down in the end. It's an invitation to reflect and to stay strong and grounded when our life seem hopeless and tumultuous.
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